I read the article “Love Your Fat Self” from our text book today. Sadly I have still not learned to love my fat self. I can admit that I think about my weight at least once every two minutes, literally. I honestly get on my own nerves because I am so obsessed with my weight. I am pretty short so every pound I gain or lose is obvious. I stand on the scale at least three times a week just praying that by some magical force it will be down by twenty pounds, it never does. When I sit around I day dream about how my life would be different if I were skinny. According to my thoughts I would be rich and fabulous. I understand if I really want to be skinny I could, this is my body and I have to simply take control of it. I would have to change my whole life style and watch every calorie I take in, I would also have to work out seven days a week.
I know this because I used to be skinny. When I was younger, high school and in my early twenties I had a great shape! I was little in the waist and curvy where you should be. I worked out every day and counted my calories to a fault. I would eat half of my food and put so much salt on the rest I would have to throw it out. I would also go to other extremes so I wouldn’t gain weight, now in retrospect I can see I had a borderline eating disorder. I would take a laxative on Sundays to clean me out and I couldn’t work out unless I took an ephedra pill (an energy pill that has since been taken off the market).
Since moving back to Michigan a couple years ago I have put on some weight and it is very hard for me to lose it. I am very healthy and work out still not as much as before, but regularly. I have noticed people saying stuff to me regarding my weight; sadly it is only my family. My mother constantly says I need to lose some pounds, and constantly hounds me about “always eating “. Though my sisters eat way more than me, however they are skinny so she turns a blind eye. I have never encountered any ridicule from strangers like Gareth did in the article. If I was in the same situation I would have jumped on the tracks! I try to beat people to the punch and make fun of “my fat a**” it my form of coping mechanism, however no one ever has a punch so I end up looking like someone with very low self-esteem.
I do feel have times when I feel good about myself, however; they are usually tainted when I sit down and have to pull up my pants so my muffin top doesn’t go over my pants, or pull down my shirt when I walk so my tummy doesn’t hang out, or my favorite, when I’m strutting and I feel my shape wear slipping. I realize most women and girls deal with the same issue, but I ask myself, if it is to the degree that I do? I really wish I could deal with my weight demons, I know they are all in my head but I just can’t shake them. As a matter of fact I think I’m going to the gym when I’m finished with this blog.