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Why can’t I love my fat self??

I read the article “Love Your Fat Self” from our text book today.  Sadly I have still not learned to love my fat self.  I can admit that I think about my weight at least once every two minutes, literally.  I honestly get on my own nerves because I am so obsessed with my weight.  I am pretty short so every pound I gain or lose is obvious. I stand on the scale at least three times a week just praying that by some magical force it will be down by twenty pounds, it never does.  When I sit around I day dream about how my life would be different if I were skinny.  According to my thoughts I would be rich and fabulous.  I understand if I really want to be skinny I could, this is my body and I have to simply take control of it. I would have to change my whole life style and watch every calorie I take in, I would also have to work out seven days a week.

I know this because I used to be skinny.  When I was younger, high school and in my early twenties I had a great shape!  I was little in the waist and curvy where you should be.  I worked out every day and counted my calories to a fault.  I would eat half of my food and put so much salt on the rest I would have to throw it out.  I would also go to other extremes so I wouldn’t gain weight, now in retrospect I can see I had a borderline eating disorder.  I would take a laxative on Sundays to clean me out and I couldn’t work out unless I took an ephedra pill (an energy pill that has since been taken off the market). 

Since moving back to Michigan a couple years ago I have put on some weight and it is very hard for me to lose it.  I am very healthy and work out still not as much as before, but regularly.  I have noticed people saying stuff to me regarding my weight; sadly it is only my family.  My mother constantly says I need to lose some pounds, and constantly hounds me about “always eating “.  Though my sisters eat way more than me, however they are skinny so she turns a blind eye.  I have never encountered any ridicule from strangers like Gareth did in the article.  If I was in the same situation I would have jumped on the tracks!  I try to beat people to the punch and make fun of “my fat a**” it my form of coping mechanism, however no one ever has a punch so I end up looking like someone with very low self-esteem. 

I do feel have times when I feel good about myself, however; they are usually tainted when I sit down and have to pull up my pants so my muffin top doesn’t go over my pants, or pull down my shirt when I walk so my tummy doesn’t hang out, or my favorite, when I’m strutting and I feel my shape wear slipping. I realize most women and girls deal with the same issue, but I ask myself, if it is to the degree that I do? I really wish I could deal with my weight demons, I know they are all in my head but I just can’t shake them.  As a matter of fact I think I’m going to the gym when I’m finished with this blog. 

1 Comment

  1. chelsfings says:

    I can understand where you’re coming from with your thought process, and your feelings. It is a back and forth battle in one’s head; rapid thoughts of “Oh my god I need to lose weight – stop obsessing you’re find you’ll do it, but you’re stressing yourself out and that produces cortisol which can make weight loss more difficult- enough, there are people fatter and skinnier that probably think the same thing…” but it isn’t wrong to think those things, as long as you don’t lose yourself in it. If thoughts of body image prevent you from making yourself happy, and living life to the fullest then it can be a bit much. This is your life, and yes the media sucks, and sometimes family can really suck because they are supposed to be the ones to be your support system, but you’ve got to support yourself and make yourself happy. Don’t look back on life with regrets of being ‘fat’. Reflect upon it with a sense of pride that you made yourself happy; You created memories and you could get out of your head long enough to notice the little, insignificant things that so many of us take for granted, then that would be beautiful. Change the way you see, not the way you look. You’re your toughest critic, cut yourself a break :]

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